101 rules for Commander Shepard
by Journeyman-93
Summary: A comedy all about the Mass Effect trilogy this time. Miranda makes a list of issues from the crew to bring to Shepard. Contains the usual fourth wall breaks, other references and nonsense. Commander Shepard is probably crazy, let's assume that the crew has had enough and wants things to change. WARNING: Spoilers are present, read at your own risk.


_**Another one of my 101 lists, encompassing Mass Effect 1, 2 and 3. There are one or two spoilers for more than one game, so read at your own peril.**_

_**Again, there are fourth wall breaks and some nonsense added. This has been slightly altered so that it doesn't get deleted.**_

* * *

"Have you finished that list yet?" Miranda asked.

"List?" Grunt grunted. "Something you want dead?"

"No, that list for Shepard to take into consideration. I asked the crew to think of... flaws that need addressing."

"I could ask Shepard to kill more Thresher Maws."

"He still thinks he's a better shot than me." Garrus declared. "Who's going to give Shepard this list? Because you might not survive."

"Shepard goes around saving the galaxy, you've got to forgive a few... eccentricities. Like not being able to dance." Tali added.

"Whatever," Miranda looked down at the list she had made. "I'll give it to him."

* * *

_"Turn them into colanders" is not the tactic a Commander should use._

_The Normandy is not the Ebon Hawk._

_Krogan are not "dinosaur people"._

_Biotics are not "Force powers"._

_Stop comparing the Catalyst's options to Deus Ex._

_"As long as I've got my wall, I will never die" isn't the greatest motto in the galaxy._

_Stop asking where the "get Garrus to shoot him/her" option is._

_Stop asking where the "get Liara to throw him/her across the room" option is._

_Husks are not zombies, therefore we do not need "zombie plans", but a shotgun might help._

_Just because you're not trained with certain weapons doesn't mean that you will shoot yourself in the foot._

_"Get Wrex to head-butt him/her" is not an option either._

_Stop trying to make chainsaw bayonets, we have omni-blades._

_About those; omni-blades are not lightsabers._

_What is a "roadie run" and why do you want one?_

_Stop complaining about how fragile the Hammerhead is, at least it's drivable._

_Stop trying to defy the laws of physics by climbing sheer cliffs in the Mako, the back seats still smell of vomit._

_"I'll just slap omni-gel on it" doesn't solve everything, least of all snapped axles._

_"I'll just slap medi-gel on it" doesn't solve everything either, especially decapitation._

_The N7 is not the "space SAS"._

_Geth are not "battle droids"._

_We are not giving you a jetpack, the consequences would be catastrophic._

_Stop complaining about weapons being restricted to the "multiplayer"._

_You cannot assemble an assault rifle with an under-mounted shotgun using duct-tape, it just isn't done. Duct-tape is old anyway._

_We don't need parachutes, they're old fashioned and useless in space._

_"Stand up and take it back!" is rousing, we agree with that. But Miracle of Sound lyrics won't win battles. We think._

_Guns do not run out of bullets, they use thermal clips._

_The Thorian is not from Resident Evil and Umbrella does not exist. We hope._

_Stop showing off your "scope time" by trying to shoot every enemy in the head. It embarrasses everybody when you miss._

_Legion has nothing to do with HK-47, even though both of them are "robots" and love sniper rifles._

_Fly swats will not kill Collectors; stop trying to invent a gun that fires giant ones, Mordin has better things to do._

_Klixen are not related to Akrid._

_Thorian Creepers are not related to the Flood._

_The next time you host a meeting that encourages us to work with aliens; do not use Paul as an example. We're fed up of crew members trying to out-swear each other or turn invisible by holding their breath._

_You have implants; you do not need cybernetic limbs or anything from Deus Ex._

_"Shoot the enemy in the middle of its face" is not the easiest tactic in the galaxy._

_Disc grenades are not Frisbees, stop playing games with them. Doctor Chakwas doesn't keep a stockpile of spare limbs._

_Stop complaining about the lack of blasters, this isn't Star Wars._

_Your attempts to make an anti-tank rifle using explosive bullets and a sniper rifle results in a rifle with a ridiculously slow rate of fire and massive recoil, please think these inventions through._

_The same goes for your "scatter-cannon", the idea is good but the actual weapon isn't._

_We don't need cats on the Normandy; we don't have any vermin to deal with._

_"Anybody who tries to mutiny is going to take a long walk out the airlock" has worked, a little too well. The crew is scared of lowering the price of coffee._

_Stop raising the price of food and drinks, there are better ways to get money for your next piece of armour._

_Why do you buy armour and guns that you don't use? Are you a collector of war-gear?_

_Hot Fuzz is not a good example of law enforcement. We've got enough crazy people with guns on the ship already._

_Feed your fish, Kelly has other things to do._

_The Thanix cannons are not super-lasers._

_Men in black was not made to teach Alliance marines how to fight aliens._

_"Shotgun damnit!" is not a good code word._

_Red vs. Blue is not a good vid to use when teaching the crew how to use team tactics, the engineering crew and the CIC crew are starting to stockpile guns now._

_You don't need a throne room; you have an entire cabin to yourself._

_Just because there is a statue of you on a planet doesn't mean that we need one on the Normandy too._

_We're not making you a portable Thanix. We have nightmares about you on the loose with one._

_Stop talking about Skyrim. Please!_

_Stop trying to correct vorcha whenever they speak, you know how violent they are._

_Stop complaining about the scanner in front of the war room, if you hate it so much then get rid of it._

_Doctor Chakwas cannot "make weird dream sequences go away", she has priorities, which include dealing with Wrex's version of football._

_Stop posting the Shadow Broker intel files on comedy shows. You've ruined two of them._

_Joker is not Doctor Evil's artificially created son._

_Mordin is not going to build a TARDIS._

_EDI wants an antivirus system to stop Joker from compromising the entire ship, buy one._

_Stop tampering with Joker's chair. He can't fly when he's being spun in circles. Nobody can do anything when the ship does it too._

_You can't fly the Normandy. We have a pilot for good reasons._

_Stop trying to find the cause of scale-itch, you're upsetting the crew._

_Stop head-butting krogan. We're jealous._

_No yelling "this is Sparta!" when shoving people out of windows._

_Scurvy is not a problem on a spaceship, stop giving us limes to eat._

_The Collector base has nothing to do with Mordor._

_The Crucible is not the One Ring. It's not the "thing that ruins the whole game" either._

_Stop "tea-bagging" people._

_We're not hosting a party with the Dragonborn, Master Chief, Marcus Fenix, Hawke or Revan as guests. Who are all these people anyway? Did you find them on Facebook?_

_The next time somebody asks you where an enemy is do not reply with "somewhere", it's too vague._

_Scopes do not come with modes called "up close and personal" and "hello you're dead"._

_Anderson does not "voice" some guy called Foley. He doesn't know anybody called Ramirez either. We feel sorry for this Ramirez though._

_Geth ships and vehicles have nothing to with the "Covenant", even if they are purple._

_Stop trying to dual wield weapons, it just isn't done here._

_No rocket boots or wing-suits, you're bad enough on your feet._

_The Mako does not have a tactic called "Ram him! Ram!" installed. The Hammerhead also lacks this feature._

_We're not hosting double-decker Mako/Hammerhead racing. The resulting crash would be catastrophic._

_Makos do not have magnetic wheels and cannot drive upside-down in tunnels. You've bent several plates out of shape, permanently._

_There is no intergalactic dating service. This doesn't mean that you should make one, or test it on the Normandy. This might explain the scale-itch though._

_We don't keep holy hand grenades handy and we're not likely to encounter any killer rabbits._

_Stop trying to create a computer virus to wipe out the Reapers, this isn't Independence Day and you nearly blew up the Normandy._

_Harbinger has nothing to do with a ship of the same name in KOTOR 2._

_"I told you so" is not an appropriate thing to say to the Councillors when they are attacked by Cerberus or Reapers._

_What has "Destroy" got to do with Gears of War and what has "Synthesis"got to do with Dune. (I discovered that these endings were very similar to these two stories. Ultimately the ME3 endings are similar to Deus Ex. Dark Age: Destroy, Illuminati: Control and Helios: Synthesis. Add Human Revolution and you get… Darrow: Destroy, Sarif: Synthesis, Taggart: Control and finally, let humanity decide: Refusal)_

_We don't need a gun that fires live varren at people._

_The Normandy is not equipped with weapons for orbital strikes. Just call the Fifth Fleet if you want to shoot a planet. Note: they do not perform "Exterminatus"._

_Don't mock the Councillors by saying "ah yes, Reapers" when they admit that Reapers exist._

_We can't build a Death Star to fight the Reapers. We have the Crucible, isn't that good enough? (Scrawled alongside: NO! At least a Death Star is precise!)_

_Nobody wants to read your memoirs. You've traumatised half of the crew._

_Stop asking "why can't we use EMP on the Reapers?" It just isn't… we can't… Talk to Admiral Hackett about it, we can't think of anything witty to say now._

_The next time we come across a mining facility full of weird indoctrinate people, don't poke them!_

_"Swift kick to the crotch" does not solve everything. You're assuming that all of our enemies have something down there._

_Stop complaining about the renegade interrupts. They might look cool but they give you a scary face; you're the one who wants to a paragon._

_"I'll be back" isn't the best reassurance you could have given when leaving Earth._

_"I knew it!" is not an appropriate response when somebody betrays us._

_Joker did not shout "I've had enough of these (redacted) Collectors on this (redacted) ship!" when the Collectors attacked. (Please redact the swearing, don't give Shepard any ideas!)_

_Stop trying to teach Jack how to speak politely, it never ends well._

_The next time Miranda and Jack have a fight, don't stand there filming the whole thing for Joker. Sort it out!_

_Just because your companions lay their personal problems on you, this does not make you a therapist. Kelly has the qualifications, you don't._

_"You can fight like a krogan, run like a leopard, but you'll never be better than Commander Shepard" is not an anti-indoctrination technique to be used on the Reapers._

* * *

"Has she done what I think she's done?" Jacob had overheard them just as Miranda had walked into the lift and taken it up to Shepard's cabin.

"Oh yes, she has." Tali confirmed.

"Yeah, and it's not going down well." Garrus muttered. "I think I can hear explosions."

* * *

_**There it is; my third 101 list for the fans of **_**Mass Effect. **_**Sorry about the constant complaints about the endings, but it gave me something to do. **_

**Miracle of Sound **_**songs mentioned are**_**: Shooter guy, Take it back ****_and_**** Commander Shepard. **


End file.
